Grow up, Shape up, Get out

Guten Tag, blogspot.
It's been a real long time since we've last connected. I feel I am far over due for a 'blog spill'. I have so many different emotions running through my head right now. It's unbelievably overwhelming. All I want to do is crawl in bed for days and stay there, for I have no motivation to get up and make the day worthy. Now, this post is going to jump around a lot. Just fair warning. I'll just start off with what's on my mind. I went back and was reading previous posts. AH. I feel pathetic, but those are real, raw, dangerous emotions and as much as I wish I could just delete it all and forget about it, I won't. It's what I felt and you can't regret something like that can you? Well, as a late update, I have talked to you again and we seem to be getting along? LOLZ. It's still weird, and we both get sick of each other. But it's a step back into friendship and that's more than I could ever ask for. I think speaking with you again, and remembering how it felt has REALLY, TRULY helped me get over it all, completely. It's showed me what I missed is still right here. It's not about wanting what I can't have anymore. It's sad that half of the things that I missed about you I can't even remember. I can not picture it in my mind, like your mannerisms and such. I have come up with a theory that no matter what happens in the future I will always have some kind of feeling for you. It won't ever disappear all the way, what we had. OHGAWD. "I miss you" Usually means you want to reconnect with someone? Be friends? Guess not. I wish you weren't so god damn confusing. Plzzzz just understand that I confide in you because we've been through things like no other and I just want to talk. But whatevvvz. AH SHIZ I HAVE 9 MINUTES. I really, really, like having some 'friends' at school. Like people you just talk to because you once were bffz or just have known each other forever, for whatever reason, just connect. But it would be SO much easier if I was just left alone. Gosh dang it I am such an awkward person. I hate saying that, too, because it sound as if I am wailing on myself. Which I am not. I honestly think that I am just socially awkward, I don't want sympathy or sumting. School would be so much less stressful if I didn't have to think about what to say to you people. Right now, in this moment of time, I really just want to be left alone. I feel like everyone's fake and judgemental. If only you could see the world in my eyes. Not to toot my own horn or something, but I feel I am a pretty reasonable person. After school in the 'commons' is the worst. I just want to stand there in peace. Don't come up to me out of pity, I'm fiiiine bein' a loner bizzzitch.

I love Karissa Magleby (shout out)

I have come to find out that there is in fact different stages of heartbreak. They may not apply to all, they are just assumed from my opinion. I have been so sad I literally felt my life, full of happiness, fluffy and light, was over. I have been so angry and so jealous, I eventually started to scare myself and had to step back and really think about what I was so infuriated at.
And now, I am just a state of remorse. As much as you hurt me, as much as you tried your best to make it known that you were happy and I wasn't, as much anger as I had towards you, I miss you more than anything that has ever been taken away. You were always what I needed. It is honestly pathetic that 97% of my blog posts are about you, and even more pathetic that for as much "hate" that I have for you, you are still a huge part of my life, obviously. There is not a single, solitary day that passes that I do not think about you. The memories of you haunt me like an unwelcome ghost, taunting and teasing me. To a point that truly drives me mad. This whole experience made everything in my life negative, EVERYTHING reminds me of you. I really hate that no matter what happened, no matter how angry I was with you and how much I detested everything you did, if you decided tomorrow that what you did was not what you wanted and asked for me back, I would say yes. It disgusts me. And at the same time shows me how powerful my affection for you was. I was looking at Tumblr today and came across a blog entry from a girl, Emmy Sweater, that really hit me. Just a list of things she missed about her previous lover.
Thus, I came up with this...


I miss being safe in your arms.

I miss admiring the sun with you.

I miss how happy I was with you.

I miss how you always, always made time for me.

I miss seeing your handwriting.

I miss how passionate you were.

I miss your posters, and how cool you thought they were.

I miss your jokes and the way you always made me laugh.

I miss how you would follow my gaze if I looked away from yours.

I miss your random texts.

I miss how much you loved dumb things.

I miss how you came up with porn titles.

I miss the sound of your laugh.

I miss your presence.

I miss how I could tell you anything.

I miss how even if I hated something you loved, you made me love it secretly.

I miss talking to you on the phone for hours late at night.

I miss the way you held me and my heart.

I miss being near you.

I miss the way you look at the world.

I miss the way you sigh.

I miss the things you say.

I miss the feeling of my head on your shoulder.

I miss the way you hug me tight.

I miss how you understood me.

I miss hearing you say my name. It never sounded so beautiful.

I miss the comfortable silences.

I miss being the first one you’d tell.

I miss being close to you.

I miss the way you look at me.

I miss almost falling asleep next to you, because I truly was so comfortable.

I miss the way I could tell you anything.

I miss your stupidity.

I miss the old you.

I miss laughing with you.

I miss our inside jokes.

I miss talking to you.

I miss sharing my happiness with you.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your hugs.

I miss the way you always knew what to say

I miss you always being positive, finding the best in the worst.

I miss Buddy.

I miss your family and the way your father did not like me.

I miss hearing pointless stories, that I will remember forever.

I miss knowing your fears.

I miss you knowing mine.

I miss your bald spot.

I miss watching (500) Days of Summer.

I miss being your best friend.

I miss your smell on my clothes.

I miss how close we used to be.

I miss how much fun we used to have.

I miss kissing you.

I miss your voice.

I miss the way you would sing every song in the movie.

I miss my hand in yours.

I miss your little bed even more than I miss the big one.

I miss your smile when I would say something stupid.

I miss the way you would pretend to hit me when it was quiet.

I miss the way you loved the outdoors.

I miss getting into fights and then making up.

I miss you wanting this more than I did, because I simply felt safe.

I miss lying about work to go to Provo.

I miss you the way you were always right, as much as I didn't want you to be.

I miss shut the front door.

I miss your 'song a day' recommendations

I miss the way you love your friends, so much.

I miss your perma-dirt hands and how I made fun of them.

I miss Team Jacob and Team Edward.

I miss how almost every time I'd drive home I would cry because I was so happy.

I miss that we would joke about getting married.

I miss "SJB".

I miss the time we went to that park, found that cart.

I miss just simply being friends.

I miss the way we always thought the same.

I miss how we had matching phones.

I really miss everything about you. I hope I meant something to you, so that someday you will talk to me again.

http://lamourvaincra.tumblr.com/

eye rote diz ahwile uhgoh.

Reminisce the memories we have left.
Enjoying the past, when all we have is the present.
Find a new, create it, because it is starting to diminish.
That's the last thing that we would all want,
and the first thing to permanently ruin my life for good.

You are, the only exception.

I always expected myself to go into a something ready, wise, and no surprises. That I would know how to handle things and just deal with them as they came. It would be easy because I had already made up my mind about love and how I didn't want it. Things would go as I planned, and therefore I could never let myself down. I can only see now that, that is far from what happened. And for a long time I have only regretted everything before you. Wishing, with every ounce of my being, that I could take it all back because all I really ever needed was you. Not some lies that I just keep inside, because they are pathetic and just secrets. I honestly can not figure why on Earth I let myself go so low, it just baffles me, sickens me.
Now, I can only know that what I have been through, I have learned from. As much as I don't want to admit things, they happened. I truly believe that these have taught me so much, even if I didn't ever want it in the first place. You need pain to learn hard lessons, you need regret to show you what you don't want. As much as I wish that I could take it all back, and just have a true fresh start, I can't. I have a new knowledge for what I had sworn to be the way to live, my morals, my risks. I have a strange acceptance with my past that lets me believe it can only get better. That makes me a whole lot stronger, and ready now for what I thought I could do in the first place. Knowing what I know now, I couldn't be more content with loneliness for a long, long time. Love is something that will never get the best of me until I am fully and utterly ready for it. If I could say anything to you it's that you were that one, the one I will never forget. You made me a whole lot stronger and you did it in a gentle way. With you, there was never any regrets like the others. I knew what I wanted, and it felt good to be in control of things. I realized I was just crazy that I thought I didn't love you in the beginning. Asking myself daily what really was holding me back, when all along I knew, I knew it was fear. Fear that in the end, I would be just let down and heartbroken. Along with that, I realized that everyone has to let go of that phobia. You really don't know until it happens to you. So I did, and sure I got hurt. But it that made me feel something I had never, ever felt before. And going through that just showed me how much I really did love you. I am glad that I let that guard down. You were always worth the risk.

It's that warmth from the security that gets you, isn't it?
The perfect timing
The "so much's" and "I really do's"
The bike
The dog
The walls
The clothes
The hair
The smile
The smell
The gentle touch
The sweet kiss
The genuine emotions just radiating off of the both of you, isn't it?
The good nights
The good mornings
The only person he wants to talk to
The only one he wants to be with
The only one he loves
The sarcasm
The jokes
The odd, quirky things said
The eyes
The lost shoe
The passion
The days outside
The joy
The embrace
The jealousy
The excitement
The feeling of something new and fresh
The compliments
The heart to hearts
The moments that just bring you even closer
The hands
The movie
The book
The suggestions
The sincerity
The love
The hate
The silly disagreements, that's what gets you, isn't it?